maybelle victor

Sometimes I forget who I am.

This isn’t the child taking pleasure in looking at skyscrapers from the sidewalk,
or the girl awed by natural sand castles and sings with the breeze of rain.
This isn’t the teenager who sees sunsets like oranges on a spoon of water,
or the lady taking a pose, strutting on an invisible catwalk.

Of cartoons and TV shows one cannot grow out of,
Of long walks on the beach and raindrops tapping on windows,
Of the blinding sun full of possibilities and water that makes it sizzle
Of directions and that tug to an unknown.

Sometimes I really wish that I can forget who I am.

Dahil adik si Gaea sa Midnight DJ na dating pinapalabas sa ABC5, minabuti kong isulat ang isa sa mga naranasan namin nung Summer.

Hindi po ako matatakutin at lalong hindi po ako mapamahiin. Laking Maynila na po ako at dahil maaga akong namulat sa mga horror flicks tulad ng People Under the Stairs, Friday the 13th, Night of the Living Dead, Pet Semetary at Exorcist, naging skeptical na ako sa mga horror flicks. Nagbabasa din po ako ng mystery/horror fiction. Si Christopher Pike, RL Stine, Anne Rice (Vampire Chronicles) at si Stephen King ang favorite ko noon.

Yung mga horror flicks ngayon, mas creative. Andyan na ang The Ring, Shutter, Exorcism of Emily Rose at saka Mirrors. Hindi naman horror yung istorya ko pero di ko kasi inaakala na puwede siyang mangyari sakin kaya sinusulat ko ito.

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It wasn’t really the ending that made sense.

It was the beginning.  Because then, there was meaning and purpose.  Now, there is nothing left.

My palms are sweaty and I can barely crack a joke.  I’ve lost all the remaining smiles I usually never run out of and my positive outlook in life has now been tainted with bitter musings of the past.  Worse, everybody understands and shares my sentiments.  I am the only who’s against me.  And yet I refuse to believe myself.

I could not understand how someone can deliberately choose to make someone else’s life miserable.  How would it be possible for a person to exist with one solid purpose – to cause mayhem and destruction of other living individuals?  What would that make this person?  Would it make him evil and powerful?  Would it make him rich?  Would it make his life better and easier to live?  Then what of the people he steps on?  Do they pile up and become stepping stones toward an invisible goal?  Or perhaps become a dispensable staircase of a completed bullying list? What about me?

They say that this wouldn’t happen if you wouldn’t let it.  They say that things would be better if you try to stand and fight against it.  What do I care about what they say.  They don’t care about me.

Some things, I guess are left not to be understood.  Even endings and last chapters.

We’re just meant to go on.

*Inspired by  Jeff Kinney’s Diary of a Wimpy Kid

It’s my website’s 2nd year anniversary.  It has evolved in a lot of ways and although, most of the time, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing keeping my blog active, I am very much thankful that it exists.

In one way or another, its existence and its growth is a strong indication of how I managed to come out of my shell and explore all the possibilities available to me, not only as a web professional, but also as a creative individual.

January 2011 was tough to me.  He caused me many sleepless nights and many insightful blurs.  Since then, nothing has come easy for me.  But February came and she was more accommodating.  She promised me many things and there were many truths in what she said.  March told me to stay put, be strong and be a better person.  April sings me serenades.

For what it’s worth, this is definitely going to be a new year.

I wish it was better.
I wish the circumstances were different.
I wish that this wasn’t the beginning of today.

I had thought it will be better.
I had thought it will be worthwhile.
I had thought that there will be enough meaning before today.

I thought there would be bright smiles.
I thought there would be singing and echoes and voicing.
I thought there would be memories in the making.

Maybe there was just not enough opportunities.
or maybe, we take for granted opportunities.
Maybe there wasn’t that much time to notice
or maybe, we never tried to stop and observe.
Maybe, we were just focused on the real world
and in this present we never get to seize.

Of the many things I’ve thought, I’ve only proven one thing:
You have to see the picture.

Pictures freeze time, and moments.
It’s a world of happy smiles and opportunities.
And it can always be better.

So much for endings if you’ll forever create them.